The other day, sitting at the table in a rare but peaceful moment, I asked Miss P, how her garbage can was. That's code in our house, for, "what kind of emotional junk is building up inside of you, burdening your heart and soul. "
Not too bad, came the reply. Always a relief, and then a question or two more to ensure that this is in fact the case.
"what is the hardest part?" I asked. {about Mommy and Daddy splitting up}
A long pause, and then an honest answer...
"The hardest part, is not knowing whats going on with you when I am not with you." came her reply.
Then a little more, "I worry about you when you are away from me, I worry if you are ok, if you are safe, I want to know how you are....{and then quickly to balance the comment} and I worry the same about Daddy"
"I am sorry", I replied....because, this isnt the kind of thing a young girl should worry too much about, and yet I suggest, with Mommy as a flight attendant and Daddy an exec who travels alot, she might still have these worries if we were together.
Not the same, Mommy. Came the look across the table.
The burden of being alone in loving the other parent, weighing on those eyes, that heart.
"but......", I continued, "Mommy always makes sure to say good morning and goodnight, to let you know her schedule, to tell you when its changed and to be there for lessons even when its a Daddy day."
"I know", came her reply. "but still....",,,,,,"that's the hardest part".
Fair enough.
I suppose I can't really know what that feeling is as I have not walked or lived in her shoes. In the shoes of an eleven year old girl who loves both her Mother and Father and worries about them when she is away from them. When they are away from her.
Yet, I know well, as a divorced Mother of two beloved daughters, what it is to love them and let them go, to be ok with not knowing everything. Not being there for everything. To celebrate with them, joys I hold no part in. To support them in relationships that no longer serve me, but are very much a part of their lives, and to accept from them, the new realtionships they make apart from me.
I could feel it go down, bittersweet I could taste in my mouth...
Silver lining the cloud, oh and I, I wish that I could work it out.
It takes a huge amount of grace to do all of those things. To detach from ego. To embrace the dysfuctions and awkwardness, to heal from the brokenheartedness.
I have worked very hard at this, I feel my daughters have too.
So resilient are they.....yet they look to their parents to show them the way.
They need at least one parent to do that.
The truth is, children know when things are awkward and unhealthy, and they secretly hope that the adults in their lives can blaze the trail gracefully through it all, so that they can too.
***click on the Link below to hear "The hardest part {acoustic} -by Coldplay"
....and the hardest part was letting go, not taking part.
you really broke my heart.
you really broke my heart.
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