The place where the light enters

The wound is the place where the light enters ~ Rumi 

There has been a lot of love in this house lately. A lot of talk about 

what  we love and what we like - the things that make our house a home and 

our family feel secure. 

The other night while I was putting her little sister to bed, Miss P snuck around the house leaving sticky notes with positive affirmations to be found  in the morning. 

She left them on the mirrors and by the front door - places where we would see them and be reminded that, we are "Be-you-tiful" and "awesome". Encouraging us to "create something", to "be yourself", to "be kind" and that we "are loved". 

There is something both humbling and rewarding to see the beautiful light within my children, shining outward from a place where there was once a heaviness of heart and a quiet sadness. 

I feel ever grateful and blessed to have a home in which their feelings and emotions can be freely expressed and shared . 

A place where joy and encouragement are spontaneously and lovingly displayed, where I too am reminded, in case I ever foolishly forget, to speak with love, kindness and encouragement. 

To choose positive expressions of love in the smallest of ways on the most ordinary of days and to know that this is the foundation of all things.  

On staying connected and reassuring worried hearts

This past Friday evening, I was supposed to fly to Paris.

I was fortunate enough to have been sent elsewhere and the gift of modern technology ensured I could easily send a message to my daughters, making sure they knew I was not on a plane flying overseas.

Over the last two years, technology has been a blessing to our family, keeping us connected when we have to be apart.  There have been tearful reports of sibling fights, scraped elbows and knees, bed time kisses and birthday lullabies, sillies and sorrowful tears. There have been never ending conversations and comfortable silences, homework sessions, lectures, and decorating "reveals".

Geography and circumstances are no match for facetime or text.

When scary things happen in the big world around them, little hearts are blessed to be able to seek connection with and reassurance from their loved ones with the help of this technology.

Without this, my wise, thoughtful, and very aware eleven year old daughter, would not have been able to seek the connection and reassurance from me that she needed after learning of the Paris attacks.

The following is a text conversation we had Saturday evening, she could not fall asleep that night, so she reached out to me on text and eventually facetime (a rare thing for this little girl)....

P: Mommy why did you not go to Paris

Me: I didnt go to Paris because they gave us a choice not to

P:why?

Me:I wanted to stay away from Paris until things calmed down and were under control.

P: oh

Me: how did you feel when you found out about what happened in Paris?

P:Good that you were not there. I had a feeling that you should not go to Paris.

Me: Your sister told me you were very upset on Thursday night that Mommy was going to Paris. She said you were worried and scared. You have a special gift of intuition - always listen to that little voice inside.

P: I know

Me: The city will be ok again - it was last year and it has gone through much worse in history.

P:Everyone was on the soccer field.

Me:I know it was something nobody ever expected, that's why its terrorism. Do you feel worried or scared?

P: Not really, I know we live in a safe bubble in our town, but I do wonder why they don't bomb the Eiffel tower.

Me: yes, where we live is a safe bubble, and sometimes when we live in our bubble we forget that bad things happen in the world. But, when we live in fear that means the terrorists win because we give up our sense of freedom when we are scared - so, even though its scary - its important to live our lives without fear.

P: clapping hands emojii

Me:I think they wouldn't attack the Eiffel tower. Part of being a terrorist is trying to make people afraid to live their every day lives.

P:But if they want to destroy Paris, wouldn't they target a main attraction?

Me: They don't want to destroy the city honey, they want to destroy peoples feelings of being safe and free.

P:Why do they set off bombs then

Me: to hurt people. To scare people.

P:oh

Me:To spread hate and fear. Its not good, none of it is good. But what I think you should see and feel sure of, is that there are thousands of people who are helpers.

P: I know.

Me:So when bad things happen, I think its really important to see the helpers....Police, Fire, Military. There are way more of them and they will always help and keep us safe. xoxo

Its not the same as holding her in my arms and giving her a comforting hug, (she got LOTS of those today), but its something.  I am grateful for the ability, however great or small, to stay connected to my girls, even when we are not physically together.

Much love to facetime and imessage for keeping us connected and hosting heart to hearts when we need them most.

On Mothering {after divorce}

On Mothering after Divorce

Yes, you read that correctly, I am going to talk about THAT.

There is a common misconception that our role as Mother (or Father) , following a family breakdown, should somehow divide, diminish, change, become less relevant, once we have left our Marriages.

As if we are to accept that there is a magical divorce fairy,  who sprinkles us with some kind of ability to step back to a legally determined "percentage" of parenting. As if beating hearts can be tricked into dividing themselves appropriately.

Hmmm. I am engaging some filters as I turn THAT idea over in my mind.

I shall never forget the blank look I once gave a mediator as she informed me, that there would be a time in which I would "welcome my time off  [from parenting] for 'good behaviour'" .
Not sure I can write what was floating in the unspoken bubble over my head, but anyone who knows me can only imagine the vivid thoughts firing off in my brain at the suggestion of that. 

After nearly two years of exploring this new territory, I feel I can offer some honest commentary on what it is to Mother, consistently following divorce, when the system, society, sometimes well intentioned friends, rarely ever therapists (and often our former Partners), imply or suggest that we should divide ourselves, as we have our households, and magically arrive at a percentage of acceptable parenting output.

Yes my friends, this is where the whole 50/50 thing (or whatever you magic number) fails.

I have heard it all and certainly being predisposed to self examination, introspection, honest conversation, and everything in between, I am here to say, dear Mothers (and Fathers),  do your best to Parent the same damn way you did before you dissolved your marriage, and if you can, if there is room to, Parent even better than you did before.

This is not a time to go off into the sunset, to wallow in your marital failures, to seek solace in new endeavors and relationships. Not judging if you did, if you have, if you are. We all fall short. There will be dark times, that is inescapable and we all deal with these in our own way.
If you can, if you have the presence of mind and the patience of heart, take this time to close ranks, to draw close to your children and your dearest friends. Turn inward. Allow yourself time to heal, be a parent first and tend to your well so that you may draw from it as needed, for your children (and yourself) when they are hurting. And they will be (you will be too).

Hold your head up, and show up. Nobody falls out of a marriage gracefully. Be present. Don't let the awkwardness of a dying relationship deter you from being there for your children. Short of having Mommy and Daddy together, children want in their heart of hearts, for things to remain as closely recognizable to their lives as they have always known them. 

That means if Mommy (or Daddy) ALWAYS showed up at Saturday lessons, for example, then Mommy or Daddy, whenever possible, should continue to do that.

Don't let the world convince you that you should be off enjoying your "time off for good behaviour", when you know your little people would love to have you present and cheering them on at their game. Don't let an intimidating ex, make you feel you are doing something wrong by being present and for the love of God, love your children, infinitely more than you hate your ex, if you are the type who hates their ex. (for the record, I am not)

Recognize that although a household may be divided into two, Children's hearts should never be.

In every choice that you make, always taken it back to "how I would have handled this situation, (within reason), were our family still in tact." This is, by far the best measure of intent and ensures, time after time that we are,  to the best of our ability, within our own unique set of circumstances, serving the needs of the little souls for whom our hearts beat. 

I,  by no means have perfected or found the balance, but I am clear in my intent. While my girls are young and my schedule and life allow, I will be present, in every way that I can possibly be, so that when they grow up they will know with certainty, beyond the chaos and dysfunction, that they always have and always will come first.

On what we love about us

There is a voice  in every Mother's heart, that convinces her she has failed.
Ok I am pretty sure that feeling happens often, like daily during challenging times.
As a new Mom, a sleep deprived Mom, a stressed Mom and a Mom facing the real life fall out of a marital breakdown.
Yes, at times like these, a Mother can feel quite certain that her children have been scarred for life.

Hindsight gives a different perspective   - and what I can see now is that we were initially in a constant state of clinging onto and hoping for some kind of familiar territory, as all humans do when faced with change.
Sometimes we went through the motions bravely and many more times,
we did not. In those times, we boldly expressed our sentiments about change and lack of control
and sadness and loss. We cried a lot. Talked a lot.
We indulged our need to grieve - and rightfully so. We did so openly and candidly, with raw and real conversations, the kind that make your voice shake. The kind that might be remembered sometime in the future..

It's been nearly two years since our family divided itself into two households.
Since then, I am happy to report that I can see and feel the centring and settling in.
We certainly faced our share of challenges to arrive at this point. We learned a lot about compassion and non judgement, for others, as well as for ourselves.

Now it seems, there  is a comfort, peace and stillness in our home. That is a blessing beyond words.
Greater still, is the blessing of knowing my daughters feel it too.

The other day, my littlest girl, set about to create a special gift for her mama - secretly she went to work and created a lovely little package with an opening - on top it had a question posted to it,
which read, "write something you like that happened in our house"
Beside it was a notebook, pen and an opening in which to drop your notes.

Where on earth does this wise child get these depths from ?
Yet more heartwarming are the notes inside, carefully folded up and written by both girls....

"I like how we stick together" , "I like how we care for each other nomatter what ,"when we have a family hug and cuddle on the weekends" , "spending time together reading, cuddling, colouring and laughing"

Sometimes finding a "new normal" is as simple as pausing and listening to the needs and desires of our hearts, to do what we are most called to do. To love as purely as we can and to hold enough space within us for the honest  expression of these things.