On Mothering {after divorce}

On Mothering after Divorce

Yes, you read that correctly, I am going to talk about THAT.

There is a common misconception that our role as Mother (or Father) , following a family breakdown, should somehow divide, diminish, change, become less relevant, once we have left our Marriages.

As if we are to accept that there is a magical divorce fairy,  who sprinkles us with some kind of ability to step back to a legally determined "percentage" of parenting. As if beating hearts can be tricked into dividing themselves appropriately.

Hmmm. I am engaging some filters as I turn THAT idea over in my mind.

I shall never forget the blank look I once gave a mediator as she informed me, that there would be a time in which I would "welcome my time off  [from parenting] for 'good behaviour'" .
Not sure I can write what was floating in the unspoken bubble over my head, but anyone who knows me can only imagine the vivid thoughts firing off in my brain at the suggestion of that. 

After nearly two years of exploring this new territory, I feel I can offer some honest commentary on what it is to Mother, consistently following divorce, when the system, society, sometimes well intentioned friends, rarely ever therapists (and often our former Partners), imply or suggest that we should divide ourselves, as we have our households, and magically arrive at a percentage of acceptable parenting output.

Yes my friends, this is where the whole 50/50 thing (or whatever you magic number) fails.

I have heard it all and certainly being predisposed to self examination, introspection, honest conversation, and everything in between, I am here to say, dear Mothers (and Fathers),  do your best to Parent the same damn way you did before you dissolved your marriage, and if you can, if there is room to, Parent even better than you did before.

This is not a time to go off into the sunset, to wallow in your marital failures, to seek solace in new endeavors and relationships. Not judging if you did, if you have, if you are. We all fall short. There will be dark times, that is inescapable and we all deal with these in our own way.
If you can, if you have the presence of mind and the patience of heart, take this time to close ranks, to draw close to your children and your dearest friends. Turn inward. Allow yourself time to heal, be a parent first and tend to your well so that you may draw from it as needed, for your children (and yourself) when they are hurting. And they will be (you will be too).

Hold your head up, and show up. Nobody falls out of a marriage gracefully. Be present. Don't let the awkwardness of a dying relationship deter you from being there for your children. Short of having Mommy and Daddy together, children want in their heart of hearts, for things to remain as closely recognizable to their lives as they have always known them. 

That means if Mommy (or Daddy) ALWAYS showed up at Saturday lessons, for example, then Mommy or Daddy, whenever possible, should continue to do that.

Don't let the world convince you that you should be off enjoying your "time off for good behaviour", when you know your little people would love to have you present and cheering them on at their game. Don't let an intimidating ex, make you feel you are doing something wrong by being present and for the love of God, love your children, infinitely more than you hate your ex, if you are the type who hates their ex. (for the record, I am not)

Recognize that although a household may be divided into two, Children's hearts should never be.

In every choice that you make, always taken it back to "how I would have handled this situation, (within reason), were our family still in tact." This is, by far the best measure of intent and ensures, time after time that we are,  to the best of our ability, within our own unique set of circumstances, serving the needs of the little souls for whom our hearts beat. 

I,  by no means have perfected or found the balance, but I am clear in my intent. While my girls are young and my schedule and life allow, I will be present, in every way that I can possibly be, so that when they grow up they will know with certainty, beyond the chaos and dysfunction, that they always have and always will come first.