There was a time when I wrote everyday. I wrote to remember, and I wrote to forget. I wrote to share with friends, family and like minded strangers, and I wrote to hold on, to myself , to my daughters, to the everyday moments that get lost somewhere between sleep deprivation, and the challenges of raising a young family.
And then one day I stopped.
Below is the last entry to my once well read blog. This was written in June 2014 , in part. as a letter to my eldest daughter.
I won't lie - life got very messy for a while (as it often does) and there are many things that broke our hearts and stretched them and numbed them and changed them.
Like bearings on a compass - we held on to the familiar, certain these things could help us to navigate in unfamiliar territory. We surrounded ourselves with friends, other families and lots of loving animals. All of this helped to create a new rhythm for ourselves while everything was out of sync.
My girls - You are such amazing children, each in your own way. I hope you know that.
Miss P, It breaks my heart, that you have experienced the things you have to this point in your life . I know you are capable and have the heart to grow through it all.
Believe me when I express, the depths of my love and concern for you.
I love our chats at night when you fight falling asleep - yes even when I pretend to be impatient that sleep will not come. I love when you share your thoughts and feelings and I have watched as you have learned to put them to words without fighting the emotions behind them.
I love when you speak your truth. Even when your voice shakes and I know how you see my imperfections and those of others we love with eyes of non judgement.
There is very little in this life that fills me with a joy so complete as to hear you laughing from deep in your belly, all the more when this is happening in the company of your little sister.
I have worried about you in ways you will never understand - and I have watched as you have fought your way through some very difficult feelings and experiences. As children, you are wise beyond your years, and full of grace.
You also know how to dig your heels in and be heard, to fight for the space in which you
can speak your mind. I admire your tenacity.
Watching you on a horse is something that fills me with an emotion similar to pride, but closer to awe. You are a vision of determination, control, compassion, comfort, ease, perseverance and grace.
WOW! If only years down the road when you are faced with challenges and doubts, you could access those feelings, and know without question that you are strong enough, graceful enough, loving and compassionate enough to meet and grow through any obstacle life puts in your path.
Every morning when I awake I thank God for you and your sister, for our health, for every blessing we share together in this life, for every difficult time we have overcome together, for every happy memory made and every painful one left in the past.
I am only human - an earthly being, and I am so humbled by being your Mother.
This amazing task of raising you, learning and growing with you has challenged me in so many ways, to step outside of myself, to embrace both light and dark, to acknowledge strength and weakness, to grow and grow and grow....
The best part is, I get to do this while holding your hand, tucking you in, hugging, kissing, loving and laughing with you and your sister!
My life is everything I could have hoped it would be, simply because I am your Mother.
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