On your Eleventh Birthday, Miss P.

One of the unpleasant truths of divorce is that we cannot always be with the ones our hearts beat for, even when we want to be. This is something we all have to accept in our lives, one way or another but I believe it is more acute for children of divorce.

In the last two years, we have learned to adopt a wiser understanding of this fact. We know, without question that when you love someone, the heart knows no boundaries, no timelines and no restrictions.

Tomorrow my oldest daughter turns eleven. It is hard to believe that its been eleven years since we first met. I won't be cuddling her in the morning as she awakes, but I will be standing by a few hours later to watch her riding lesson, to be present, as her Mother, despite unconventional circumstances.

As her birthday approached this week, I permitted myself to reflect, just a little on all that has changed since I first became a mother.
In those early all encompassing days of being a new mother, I got lost in the joy, sorrow, frustration and challenges that each day had in store for us. I cheered every cheer, wiped every tear, and reminded myself on the eve of her first birthday, as I willfully weaned her from my breast,  that love and motherhood truly are languages of letting go.

I learned slowly that the teacher of these life changing realizations was none other than this tiny human, who ruled my heart and soul in the best and most basic of ways. Through her and in her and for her and with her, I found motherhood. My life has never been the same since.

As our family divided I remember the sadness and fear that gripped me. How could I still be the mother I knew in my heart that I was meant to be, if I had to step back, let go, even more than what was called for at any given time.

The answer is simply that the heart knows how to respond. The heart knows when, how, where and why. The heart knows that our best chance of moving through such a transition with grace is to not to allow our minds to question what our hearts know.

As recently as this September,  as children returned to school, I felt those familiar pangs of guilt and self doubt that I had felt since my youngest entered school full time in grade one.

It took some time, but yesterday it all made sense to me.

As a mother, our babies shall always be our babies. Even when we want them to become more independent. Even when we fight with them a little about that. The push and pull is lifelong.
Weaning them and ourselves begins at the tender age of one, at least for Miss P and I it did.

I have let go of the fact that I no longer have toddlers afoot in my home and in my house 24.7. I have also allowed myself to acknowledge that even though I have some pretty sweet moments to enjoy while my girls are in school, I need to be on my game every moment of every hour of every day they are with me. This is full contact stuff, so its important to be on my game.

What I know now, for certain, is that a Mothers heart never tires, never distracts, never seeks alternative ways to fill that motherly cup. With this knowledge I have come to understand that whether its your first step or your first jump landed on the trampoline, , its a moment in which,  I will be standing by cheering you on, come hell or high water, despite any schedules or court orders.

I am your Mother. It is my deepest pleasure, my most resonating truth, and my lifelong joy to continue on this journey with you, Miss P.
God bless your sweet soul on the eve of your eleventh birthday.
How amazing is it, that I get to be your Mom.
#thankful #blessed